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Some people associate “assertiveness” with one-sided and non-negotiable declaration of someone’s right as if saying ”I am who I am!” In the assertiveness coaching directed by Dr. Doreen Virtue, assertiveness is not that. Assertiveness is to be true to yourself and honor your feeling and share your true feeling to others in a way to protect the right of others.
It is easier said than done. There are three patterns to share your opinion to others, aggressive, passive aggressive and assertive. How can you share your uncomfortable feeling to others? You cannot keep your feeling just to yourself. It is not healthy. It will find the way out and when it does, you cannot control it.
Are you a giver who always takes care of others but not your needs? If so, are you not always tired? Even if you had some spare time, you are likely too tired mentally and physically and ending up checking your SNS or watching telenovela. Your counter-party would then give you a feedback like “You wanted it” or “I did not ask you to”.
You are not supposed to look after everyone else before you take care of your needs. Who is going to say no when you say “excuse me, I would like to use a toilet”. No one in the right mind would stop you when you have to do things for yourself. If someone dares to stop, is he or she really your friend?
Let’s begin to check in with yourself.
I want to stay here.
I want to do this
I do not enjoy.
I am tired. I do not want to do this.
I am the one to bring everything on the table when I am with you.
I do not think I am supported.
Once you put down your feeling in words, share it by starting to say the following:
“I would like to clear something with you. Can we talk?
It may help you to find the key word for you to know whether you are balanced. My keywords are the Philippines, scuba diving, and outdoor (walking and farm work). When I say these words, I may feel satisfied or depleted. When I feel depleted, that is a sign I am not looking after myself well.
